The quality of our relationships is vital to our well-being.
If you’ve ever felt resigned in your relationship or marriage feeling like nothing can change unless your partner is willing to do the work too - today’s conversation will give you hope AND give you some tangible ideas for where YOU can do DIFFERENTLY in a way that changes the dance of the relationship.
Judy Graybill joins us today. She is a Relationship Healer and Certified Step Family Coach specializing in high conflict relationships and today she generously shares her own personal journey, challenges and what makes her so passionate about helping others thrive in this area.
Get ready to open your mind to new perspective and explore things like...
We hope our conversation opens your mind and stirs your heart to reveal new places to where you can make headway to heal and restore harmony where it matters most.
Learn more about Judy:
Get her FREE Teamwork Model
Website: www.JudyGraybill.com
Connect on IG/MeWe & Facebook: @judy.m.graybill
Learn more about Carla: https:/www.carlareeves.com/
Connect on LI: https://www.linkedin.com/in/reevescarla/
Connect on Pinterest: https://www.pinterest.com/carlasreevesaz/
Explore Coaching with Carla: https://bookme.name/carlareeves/lite/explore-coaching
Support the podcast! Check out the merch! https://www.bonfire.com/store/the-differently-shop/
The quality of our relationships is vital to our well-being.
If you’ve ever felt resigned in your relationship or marriage feeling like nothing can change unless your partner is willing to do the work too - today’s conversation will give you hope AND give you some tangible ideas for where YOU can do DIFFERENTLY in a way that changes the dance of the relationship.
Judy Graybill joins us today. She is a Relationship Healer and Certified Step Family Coach specializing in high conflict relationships and today she generously shares her own personal journey, challenges and what makes her so passionate about helping others thrive in this area.
Get ready to open your mind to new perspective and explore things like...
We hope our conversation opens your mind and stirs your heart to reveal new places to where you can make headway to heal and restore harmony where it matters most.
Learn more about Judy:
Get her FREE Teamwork Model
Website: www.JudyGraybill.com
Connect on IG/MeWe & Facebook: @judy.m.graybill
Learn more about Carla: https:/www.carlareeves.com/
Connect on LI: https://www.linkedin.com/in/reevescarla/
Connect on Pinterest: https://www.pinterest.com/carlasreevesaz/
Explore Coaching with Carla: https://bookme.name/carlareeves/lite/explore-coaching
Support the podcast! Check out the merch! https://www.bonfire.com/store/the-differently-shop/
I'm Karla Reeves, and this is Differently. Whether you feel stuck in survival, navigating a change or seeking more for your life, may this podcast be your weekly nudge to take a risk to build a life that is uniquely bold, authentic and in alignment with your deepest values. After a decade of coaching individuals from corporate leaders to creative artists to multi-million dollar CEOs I'm convinced we are far closer than we realize to what we deeply desire, and it's a willingness to do differently that can change everything. The quality of our relationships is vital to our well-being. If you've ever felt resigned in your relationship or marriage, feeling like nothing can change unless your partner is willing to do the work too today's conversation will give you hope and give you some tangible ideas for where you can do differently, in a way that changes the dance of the relationship and just might leave you utterly surprised. Are you ready for some of that?
Speaker 1:Judy Graybill joins us today. She's a relationship healer and certified step family coach, specializing in high conflict relationships. Today, she generously shares her own personal journey, the challenges and what makes her so passionate about helping others thrive in this area. I invite you to open your mind to new perspective and be ready to explore things like the role and importance that your frame of mind, your willingness and your approach play in having truly productive conversations, how changing your dance inside your relationship can make all the difference and more. We hope our conversation opens your mind and stirs your heart to reveal new places where you can make headway to heal and restore harmony where it matters most. Hi, judy, welcome to different it's so wonderful to be here.
Speaker 2:Thank you for inviting me.
Speaker 1:I've been excited to have you on because this topic of relationships and marriage is so vital and so important. It comes up all the time in my work with clients and I feel like almost now more than ever, I think we need hope around this topic. I think we need new perspective around the topic and I can't wait to have you help us kind of open up that perspective and make it.
Speaker 2:Thank you, I'm looking forward to it also. I hope so.
Speaker 1:Yeah, so let's start with. I love to hear the story behind people's vocation and work that they do. So what is the why for you behind the work you're doing? Today, yeah, so well and feel free to give us a little introduction, okay, well, thank you.
Speaker 2:Basically I'm a relationship healer and certified step family coach and the short answer to my why is that I learned the hard way. Everything that I teach, coach, advocate is stuff that I've had to learn myself through personal experience. And my why is simple. It's like I get a warm, fuzzy feeling when I see couples in love and are happy and, knowing what I went through and the struggles I went through to have that like, I feel like if I did not even try to help other couples overcome some of those struggles then I would. I feel like I would be going against my own soul. So it kind of turned into a soul mission for me, like a passion which you know. I guess that's the story for most of us coaches.
Speaker 2:But in a nutshell, I'm a child of divorce so I did not see what a healthy marriage looked like model to me, and I feel like I spent my entire life trying to not repeat the mistakes of my parents, only to find myself repeating the mistakes. I've had four quote unquote failed relationships I don't like to use. I use air quotes for failed because they don't like the term, but it's what we we've accepted and it's the colloquial thing. But the very last one was my dysfunctional step family experience. That's the one that was the catalyst behind me becoming a certified step family coach through the step family foundation. And so that's where my career started, and in the process of learning how to coach people, and concurrently with my own healing journey of my complex trauma and childhood wounds, I learned two main critical lessons.
Speaker 2:Many things, but these are the two keys. One is that it's the relationship issues, not step family dynamics, that causes redivorce, and the second one is our childhood wounds and even unhealed trauma are huge contributing factors in all of our relationships, especially if we are not cognizant of them. You know, because we feel like we heal and learn from our relationships, we feel like which was my story like I thought I learned my lessons after the first few, you know, I thought I learned everything that I needed to learn, and so it's just surprising and so, but I guess that's in a nutshell. You know what brought me here today and why I do what I do.
Speaker 1:Yeah, what I'm curious, what that last you know relationship, like the catalyst that it sounds like, sent you on your own personal journey. Like tell us, give us a little bit of paint, us a picture, a little bit of what that looked like and kind of the state of mind you were in and kind of what proceeded after that. Because I think people will relate to that state of mind right when we know something has to shift, we know that we've like there's something else possible.
Speaker 2:Yes. So that's a great question and I'm glad you asked me that because I obviously didn't put that in my story but I should have. So yeah, the catalyst was the heartbreak, the heart. It was so intense because, honestly, we were still in love. I mean, there was no doubt that he loved me the way I loved him, but we just weren't able to make it work and it was so confusing. It's so intensely confusing and especially like I have a degree in psychology, I have a degree in sociology, it's like I should know and, like I said, I had done all the work. So it's like that intense heartbreak.
Speaker 2:I was miserable. Like you asked about the state of mind, it's really like the state of my heart. Like I was miserable like 24 seven. I was just not happy, I lost my joy, I didn't know who I was anymore. It's like I just I just wanted to be happy, like that was basically it.
Speaker 2:I was just so depressed and I was just like I remember going to bed one night this is, I guess, the lowest point right Like this is the catalyst day, night or whatever, you know like I was going to bed one night, so miserable and like recognizing and I didn't believe in a higher power at that point, but like I was so desperate to be happy, I just kind of like prayed to the ethers. It wasn't really praying, it was more like just a crying out for my soul. It's like can I please just be happy? I just want to be happy. And that night I had such a really profound dream and like it's the kind that you wake up in a sweat, like you know.
Speaker 2:Like anyway, I don't want to go off on that, but basically that was the catalyst. I knew in my heart that there was a way to be happy again. I was happy earlier in my life, so like I knew it was possible and like I was going to do everything that I can to like get that back. And I started with like just books and you know it, just you know just a lot of learning and self exploration, digging deep at. You know coaches help with it. So that kind of thing just set me on the path, which is kind of ongoing, even though I've had breakthroughs.
Speaker 1:You're taking me back to my own journey. Yeah, I'd like to hear that. Yeah, so it's. You know, I had sort of the same moment. I was married and divorced at a pretty young age. I was like 28, had been married five years and I kind of I got to that point where I too I felt like I would go to work and I'd kind of be alive and happy, and then I'd go home and like, literally, I felt like all the lights inside of me went off when I walked through that door and it was just an existence that I wasn't willing to live anymore. But it was really scary to leave.
Speaker 1:But, same as you, I knew in my heart that there was something else possible. I had no clue how to get there, but I for people listening, I think that you know, that's sort of that catalyst moment when you know in your heart and I think sometimes we want to discount that knowing that there's something greater possible and you don't have to know how to get there. But it was like I sort of set myself on that mission of I'm going to figure this out and I'm just going to start stepping in that direction and I I think it takes having a belief that something greater is possible. Like if you look around at marriages, you can get really resigned and really convinced that there isn't a lot of hope. And there is, and I think it does start in your heart.
Speaker 2:Oh, so many good points. Yes, yes, I resonate with everything you said and everything you said and yeah, you don't need to know how and I think that's a lot of times where people get stuck but like I feel, like I feel better just stepping towards it, right, I mean, like, even though you don't know how, just just that empowerment, like you're now walking towards it, in itself actually does feel better. Do you think so too?
Speaker 1:Okay, 100%. So let's talk for a minute. I do, I do. Let's talk for a minute on. On your website it says you know, transform conflict into emotional connection, even if you're the only one working on it and even if you're frequently fighting. I um often hear my clients say, you know, but but he's not working on it, or she's not working on it, or they're frustrated because they're the one doing the work. And while I understand that, I have seen profound change when one person is willing to do the work, and so I'd love to hear you speak to that in your yeah 100%.
Speaker 2:It only takes one person to completely disengage and change the pattern, to change the whole dynamic. And like what I think, what I want to get, um want to talk about there is two things. One is the patterns. Like we get stuck in our patterns. Every we all have our patterns in those relationships.
Speaker 2:It is hard to get out of those patterns because one, they're habitual, they're instinctual, you know it's. It's like we have good patterns too, by the way. You know, like my best friend and I, I just want to give this as an example so people can understand it. But like a good pattern, for example, like my best friend and I, like we have this thing where we'll like give each other a point if we make the other one laugh, you know it's, it's, and now it's just so automatic. And like, if we can quote, do a movie, quote in a context that's relevant to the conversation, we get a point, or we give the other one a point. So that's an example of a positive pattern.
Speaker 2:But what's harder is the fighting patterns, because when we get triggered, like it's we're not thinking, we go into our reptilian brain, right and and like we're literally not thinking. It's like that fight, flight or freeze, you know, response, that which is a physiological response, and so it's really tough to like monitor yourself and disengage, like, from my own personal experience, the one of the hardest things for me, because I'm very naturally introspective, I'm very naturally analytical, but I also am very quick. I'm like you know, I'm passionate in a good way, but like that passion can also translate to being quickly, you know, firing back. So I literally it took a lot of effort for me to stop, like David G has this acronym SODA SODA stop, observe, detach and then access a higher version of yourself. Like everyone, I think, will have like a different challenge with one of those steps.
Speaker 2:For me it was the stop. If I could just stop talking or firing or reacting, if I could just stop. That was the hardest part for me. The rest it was a little bit easier for me. But so, anyways, I mean I suppose I could go on, but like I don't know, I'll just throw it back to you. What brings to mind when you hear that?
Speaker 1:Well, yeah, I mean, when you talk about patterns, I mean in our marriage we've been very introspective and kind of consciously attempting to break old patterns over and over through the years. And even just this weekend we were together and I had a moment where I got overwhelmed and I we've been there enough times where I know it's past based, I know it's not current based, it's like old emotion that stirs in my body and now I can just say it out loud, like I'll just say I'm overwhelmed and he will just kind of support me and love me through that feeling. But we don't necessarily have to do anything, I don't have to react to it or get upset, because I can recognize now that it's not, it's really not current, it's really just an old physical reaction.
Speaker 2:What I love about what you said is like the identification of it right, like once we like the awareness. I mean, like it takes a lot to identify the thing, but once we identify it and then say it out loud and we're heard, that's when we can can be supported. We can, like our partners want to support us. They just don't know how and right. But, like you said, you know, it was really about the identification of it first and foremost, and I think that's difficult. I also want to talk about like a couple places where people get stuck, because this is going to go back to something you said a few minutes ago, because you mentioned, like a lot of people, it's like my partner's not doing it. You know, that is one place where a lot of couples get stuck, like how can we work together if my partner is not? And one thing is that we kind of assume that they're not going to change because they haven't changed. So like we don't know, we're assuming that because we're not thinking about it. But that's one place where people get stuck we, because you haven't actually, you're you actually assuming that you know they're not? Another place that people get stuck is that they also think they have to have agreement already before they can do something, so like, because there's the other thing that happens is we don't want to step on our partner's toes, so there's it's a repetitive argument then. And you guys can't, a couple can't come to an agreement on it. Then it's like then nobody does anything. Sometimes just pushing the envelope will change it.
Speaker 2:You know, like, I have an example and so, like, in one of my relationships we were, one of our repetitive arguments was remodeling. We wanted to do remodels to the house. You know so, like, which room was going to get it? And maybe this is a petty one, but I'm just trying. That's the one that comes to mine as an illustration. So we could not agree on what was going to go first, because we couldn't do everything at once and we just didn't do anything for a long time because it was just kind of stalemate. Well, one day he just up and did it on one of the rooms and I have to say that I was mad, you know, at that moment, but, like, once I got over it, I'm like it's done now. We were in limbo for I don't know how long not doing anything, and yeah, that was risky on his part, I guess you know, but it's not something I was going to leave him over, you know. So it's different for every couple.
Speaker 1:Well, I think you bring up a good point, though. I mean this is, you know, the differently podcast, and we talk a lot about how can we think and do differently to create new results in our life, and it's the same thing inside of marriage. I mean, what you're talking about is in my work with clients I call like changing your dance, like there's real power when you you know marriage or relationship is like a dance and so if we just keep doing the same moves, we're going to get the same results. But, like your partner, he shifted his move and it created a new result right, which turned out to be like a great thing. And you have to experiment. But you can change your footing in that dance ever so slightly. You know, maybe you always blow up and react and instead of doing that, maybe you like ask for a hug or you just stay quiet instead of always outbursting, like that makes room for a whole different outcome. So it's simple, it can be simple, it can change things.
Speaker 2:Yeah, you cannot be afraid of the argument or the chaos Like we, that's another place, we get stuck right. We're afraid we don't want the argument. I mean like, let's be honest, nobody likes to argue, right? I mean we find ourselves in that pattern at times for the highly combative ones, like people who come to me, but we don't like it, we want to avoid it. So sometimes there's a lot of couples who get into that stable dysfunction where they just avoid it.
Speaker 2:Sometimes that disruption is exactly what you need in order to change the result. It's not the arguments that cause separation, it's not cleaning up after them. It's like if you, you have like, if you like, we all have arguments, but if we don't have that period afterwards where we're mending our hearts, we're mending that breakdown because and we're making it personal and it's not personal, those are, I mean, like sometimes it feels like it's personal but it's not so like and if you know that it's not personal, then it's easier to like, mend whatever happened afterwards, it's easier to talk about it because. But I think sometimes that's hard and I want to bring up like people who have unhealed trauma and not childhood wounds, because that's a lot of times like, because that's also part of my story, so I understand it and I think that's it's hard.
Speaker 2:When you you've been in those really dysfunctional relationships. It actually changes how you perceive people it it it actually affects your ability to trust your partner. And if you cannot trust your partner like you, it's just like you just have these very limiting beliefs and you don't know where they come from and they're very emotional and that's part of it's just a huge challenge and I think that it needs to be set out loud for people to question if that's going on or not. I mean, we don't we don't always know if we're um have unhealed trauma, but if we're not even questioning it or talking to somebody who might help us figure it out, then that unknown factor is is going to continue to affect the relationship.
Speaker 1:I think that's so true. I, um, you know, and I think unhealed trauma can be it. It doesn't have to be sort of this big event that occurred in your life or this horrible thing Like I, for years, like I've struggled with trust and I didn't have some major thing that happened and I always wondered, like why do I have such a hard time trusting? But I don't know exactly the roots of it. But what I do know is that we've been growing that trust for 20 plus years. Like it doesn't happen overnight. I think it's, um, you know, like trust is something you can grow, but you have to be willing to, like you're saying, kind of look at those things from your past that may have nothing to do with your partner, cause a lot of times I would project things onto him that weren't real or true, and we've had to just grow in that together.
Speaker 2:Yeah, that's a really great point and you're right, we don't always know, but like, and you don't have to necessarily know, and it doesn't have to be a good thing, so I just I I know that's what you said. I'm just reiterating it because I agree and I think it's worth repeating, because we think it's more complicated, I think it's more complicated and we think it's more complicated than what it is. And, um, you know, there's not a lot of. It's not something we as a society have talked about enough at this point. So it's not. There's not a common understanding.
Speaker 1:Yeah, so, before we go into some of your ideas and solutions, let's talk for a minute about you. Know you, like you said in your story, like I didn't know what a healthy marriage was, and I have my clients say that all the time. They're like I want something different, but I don't even know what that looks like like. Where do we start when you you're feeling that way?
Speaker 2:Oh, that's such an excellent question and I'm glad that your clients are asking that and recognizing that I had to. I had to find people who did it in order to ask them. You know, like when I lived in Ohio, for example, and I reconnected with my uncle, who is my dad's father so my parents have passed away so it was really special for me to spend time with my uncle because he was my dad's brother, but he had a very successful marriage. He was married for 40 years at the point that my aunt had passed away. So, like, just those conversations with him and this is only one person I mean, I'm not saying this is the only person, because I think we have to get it from many different sources but like that was one thing that helped me and it helped me a lot Like we would just and he didn't even know that he was teaching me because he just would call me up and he's like, hey, let's go meet at this His bar to like watch the game.
Speaker 2:I didn't even watch the sports game, I couldn't even have told you what, what teams were playing. I went there just to visit with them. But like I had to get out of my own head. So, like also coaches, like I couldn't get it from my friends and family, like my very last relationship, for example, like my, when I would complain to my sisters, they were like you just need to leave, you just need to leave, and I wasn't ready to leave and that bothered me. And then, when I didn't leave, they're like this is not their exact words, but basically then just shut up about it. You know, like if you're not going to do it, if you're not going to do that, it's not like I wasn't doing any. We don't want to hear any. We don't want to hear it anymore.
Speaker 1:So it was kind of like I had two options either to leave or to put up, and shut up and that irritated me, you know.
Speaker 2:So, like, what I want to provide my clients is a new way of looking at it. Like we get stuck between like it's going to be perfect, like we, we oscillate between the very disaster of all the things that are going wrong and all the worst case scenarios that's going to lead to. And then, when we try to self-correct, we try to get the best of the best and we try to self-correct it. We're like, oh OK, I'm going to make it the best, it's going to be this and it's going to be that. And we have we, we put ad on these all kinds of high expectations in order to make us feel better about it and to make us feel optimistic that we're working on it. But the problem is, it's not realistic. So we need to get out of our own heads and we, it has to be outside of our inner circle, because we are the people, the five closest people to us. So if that's your sisters, that's your best friends, whoever that is that is, you know you're getting stuck in that.
Speaker 2:So, like I had to go to coaches, I had to learn the hard Well, the hard way because is in practicing it. So it's like you learn from books. You learn your coaches give you ideas. They give you realistic expectations, but that are also optimistic. To be realistic and optimistic at the same time is its own skill. Once you have that, you have to try it out. That's the hard part. It's like you. Then you have to apply it and work at changing it in your relationships and then that's like its own hits, its own phase. You know the trial and error phase.
Speaker 1:Well, and you're right, having a coach to support you through that phase is really can be really instrumental and key and vital, because it is a little bit scary and it really helps to have that support. And I think what you said is like when we have, when you have that feeling in your heart like you know something better is possible, and then what you're saying is go find people that are doing what you want, find evidence for it. You know, it's like when I became an entrepreneur and wanting to go out under my own brand, I started listening to podcasts of people doing it the way I wanted to be an entrepreneur and you start to like build your like proof that it can happen and it's possible, and you surround yourself with people that are doing that. I think that's so vital.
Speaker 1:Yes, yes, yes, exactly. Thank you for sharing that and just giving you new perspective.
Speaker 2:Gosh the new perspective is huge because, like you said, like for people like my market I work with moderate to high conflict couples so when you're mired in that dysfunction, it is really hard to be optimistic because you, you, just you lose, like your perspective. I mean I guess that's just the best way to say it. It's just, it's very limiting, it becomes a very small and narrow minded hope and it's hard to see outside of that. It's hard to see what's possible.
Speaker 1:Well, and a lot of times you look around and you're like, oh well, everyone else is kind of doing the same thing and so this just must be what marriage is, and you just get resigned that this is how it is. So I want to ask you something, because I have a ton of passion around marriage and that marriage can be really extraordinary and but my husband and I find this a lot that it's when we share that with other people it's. It's hard to grab a hold of. For people, you know, it's like they, they have so much. You know, when you said the conversation, the arguments are Don't matter as much as the cleanup of those arguments. Like I thought that was so poignant what you said. But for some couples there's been so many arguments and so much stuff that's never been swept, that's never been cleaned up. How do, how do you help people start when?
Speaker 2:they're there.
Speaker 1:Excellent question having more productive conversation, whatever it is a question.
Speaker 2:I mean there's a lot of unpacking and I think if people expect Sometimes we expect to resolve it in one conversation, there's a lot of unpacking, like you, because you're right, what they're arguing about is not really what they're arguing about. So we really have, like, what I have to do with clients is we start with what those arguments are on the surface and Then we just have to keep asking questions and keep digging under it, like, for example, asking like for your listeners maybe, like Okay, I guess I'll give an example like what, like a recent client, for example, one of his arguments was like his wife was never on time, like for whatever they were going to do together, and that was very personal for him. So like it's a value difference, right, being on time to him. It's like a way of showing that you love somebody is being on time, you care about somebody else's time. If my, when my wife is not ready on time, she knows when we're gonna leave. She's not ready on time, she's not valuing me as a person, because I value my time. So we had it, so it's not.
Speaker 2:So sometimes the argument is about being on time, but what's underneath that is, I'm not feeling loved, I'm not feeling valued, and so we really had to unpack this. And of course there's a lot of other things, obviously, because it's not like the only thing they argued about. But when you combine that and you find the patterns across a lot of different arguments, that's kind of part of the process on how to unpack it. Because the reality is she did actually love him, you know, like. So we had to find that evidence and I had to help him understand all the other ways and things that she did that actually showed him, and so he can actually say Finally believe not just think it, but believe it, embody it that yeah, you're right, I think she really does love me, she it's. It has nothing at all to do with Like that.
Speaker 2:And and then we worked on like how the conversation because, like, the conversation is like people get hyper emotional and when you're hyper emotional about it because you're triggered, it doesn't matter what you say or how you say it that tone of voice and the importance of it that's impacting the conversation. Your partner is just not hearing you. So then you have to learn how to like. When you can learn how to first not be triggered and not be emotional, then and then this is again one of the things that it helps to have somebody else help you with, to like Choose different words or way of saying things. It's not always about the words you choose, it's really more about the emotional resonance and not being triggered.
Speaker 2:And again, for him it was like recognizing yet my wife still loves me, but but also what to do about it. So then you guide the conversation and just like sending text messages like ahead of time and saying stuff like it would make me feel, it would make me enjoy the night so much more if we were able to be on time. And here's why, when we're not on time, like it's hard for me to enjoy the whole night. Like the whole night, like the whole night, I'm still like in that energy of like not enjoying it. It would really help me a lot if you did that. And Even though he has to do that every single time because she it's not an automatic thing, for her it's it's not a habit. For her, it's not a value, so he has to work out it every single time but he found a way to do it.
Speaker 1:I love that example and I I think that Just this idea of there you have to be willing to do a lot of unpacking to kind of clear the foundation so you can really build something strong gr. But this idea of how you're helping your clients communicate, because and I want the listeners to hear this is there's such a distinction, because Usually we want to react and blame right, like why are you always late? You're always late and it ruins my night, whatever, but the way that you helped your client communicate, that was so different. It was from that. I place like I feel this way and this is what happens for me and you're making a request. It's very different than pointing the finger and you're gonna get a very different response.
Speaker 2:Yes, yes, exactly, and this is what you said at the top of the hour. When we show up differently, our partners react to us differently and and I just want to say that doesn't mean that you're and I have to say this out loud, just simply because I know where people are going to go in- that situation, they're going to think, oh great, my partner is going to change the way I want. That's actually not it, because we still have to accept their natural personality.
Speaker 2:We still have to accept them for who they are, and that's also difficult because when it's uncomfortable for us, so that's also part of the process. But the dynamic changes, the dynamic changes. They do react to you differently because you're showing up differently and you're reacting to them differently so good.
Speaker 1:So anything else with regard to like having more productive Conversations that you would want to share, or should we move on to another?
Speaker 2:might be something that I said, but I want to just say it more clearly is that it really comes down to like us being figuring out how to examine our own triggers and get to the point of Not being hyper emotional or hyper reactive. Like that is probably the biggest thing. Like when I was able to do that which was huge, by the way, that took me a long time, but like once I was able to do that, my that's when my relationship started changing all of them, and not just with my Significant others, but or like my closest friends. I mean, like I am single I will say that I'm kind of an anomalous but like. But even my strained relationship with my sisters For so long, like all of my relationships changed. Like, so, like all of my. Like I have such a supportive network and I didn't always have that, so Like that is the biggest key, I would say, is just getting to the point where you're not hyper emotional when you're communicating.
Speaker 1:Well, and what I hear you saying is that you're really at a place where you're kind of taking ownership for those little sore spots and wounds inside of yourself, instead of making everybody else responsible for not touching them or, you know, not opening them or right like when you're when you're and we don't do it intentionally but when I kind of left all my wounds at the mercy of other people, hoping they would take care of them or avoid them or whatever, like I had no power.
Speaker 1:But if I take responsibility for those sore sore spots and I can then Communicate what I need in the moment, if, like I was sharing about with my husband when I am triggered, like Just be with me right now, just help me, let this overwhelm pass, and then we can move on. And the other thing I just want to highlight is that this you you really support, you know, productive communication, and Communication to me like is everything. I look back to my first marriage and we, when we met, talked about everything, every little thing, and then all of a sudden that starts to like Stop, and then we would stop kissing, and then it's Crept into the bedroom and, like our intimacy started to stop and I feel like communication is that doorway to Staying intimate and close and my husband and I are back to sharing everything and it's it's, it's so fun, but we have to keep the spark alive at our marriage and I think when I was married the first time I thought you just got married and like love just yeah.
Speaker 1:Right and I think that's what I learned is like you. We have to do the work to keep the spark alive, and it's worth every ounce of it.
Speaker 2:Well, yeah, I love what you said and and yeah, that's so true. And With regard to the communication, I would say one of the challenges is the listening piece. We think that it we have to come up with the right words to explain ourselves, but, like what Steven Covey says is listen with the intent to understand, and so listen first. I'm trying to, I'm spacing the exact words, but it's basically listen first and and First listen to be understood and then understand some. That's the essence of it.
Speaker 2:I'm missing the exact words something like yeah, it's okay but I mean, listening is part of that, because communication is two-way and so a lot of times we get stuck because we're like our partners not listening to us. But that's when and that was me I was in that space. I was that's when I was saying I had to struggle to stop. I had to stop Trying to explain and because I was in that space, if he's not listening to me a lot, I had to listen. I had to stop and listen. I had to listen to deep and Bite my tongue and stop talking because he wasn't listening to me until I understood him. I mean, I get it.
Speaker 2:We all, like Communication is supposed to be two-way, so when you're in that it's hard to break through it because it's like my part, like, objectively, my partner really is not listening to me. You know you can't get out of that when that's actually the reality. So what I tell people is like the onus is on you to understand, understand what it is your partner is trying to say at the deepest level Just keep listening, just ask more questions. So you are communicating, but you're really understanding first.
Speaker 1:I think that is just gold, judy, I you know, I think I, for many, many years of my marriage I've not been good at that. Even when I thought I was trying to listen, I don't think I was really listening. And this weekend we are considering selling our, our home or kind of making, moving in that direction and we bit, we both have been here longer than we've ever lived anywhere. We raised our babies here, like it's there's so much emotion tied to where we are and but we both know it's time and we're ready.
Speaker 1:But we were having conversation about this and it was emotional and my husband was not feeling hurt this weekend and I, like we stopped and I, you know I was seeking to understand. I really, like I saw his emotion, I saw he needed to be heard and I was earnestly trying to hear him and I still couldn't hear him. Like we had to, we had to go back and forth a few times to say like I'm still not getting it, I'm still not. It could tell he still didn't feel heard and but it just took that kind of relentless pursuit to understand and it is a gift. It's a gift to we give to our friends, our partners, everybody.
Speaker 2:I also say another thing that you said, because, like it, you have to be honest with it too, because sometimes you want to understand and you're trying but you can't, and that's a reality sometimes. But even saying that out loud to your partner, they they recognize that you're trying and that makes a difference, even if you don't fully understand them. If you recognize it, say it, they recognize the intention and that actually Helps, it, moves it in the right the direction. As far as creating the connection is concerned, see, connection is not always about agreement. Connection is about Understanding where the other?
Speaker 2:is it's not agreeing on everything.
Speaker 1:Oh, that's so good. Say that again for people listening, because I think that's so. We need to know right.
Speaker 2:I don't shout up the force. I had to learn this. It was hard, like it's. We think agreement is connection, but no, a connection is not does not mean agreement. Wow, that's it is about understanding. I think our world needs to know that, yes, we don't need to agree on everything.
Speaker 1:So good. Yeah, so, so good, okay, so you have it in acceptance. Yes, so you have a tool that the listeners can go and get. That can really help with these more productive conversations and connections. So tell us a little bit about that.
Speaker 2:Okay, thank you, because actually I think it speaks to a lot, most of what we. It's like the capstone on everything we talked about today. It's called a team reference guide. So team is an acronym that I use with my clients and it has two parts to it Team as the mindset and team as the individual responsibility. So team as a mindset is like this if you're in the right mindset, it guides all your actions. So for T trust E empower, a accept differences, m mend mistakes that's your mindset of what the team is. And then your individual responsibility of the team is T talk it out, e experiment with new ways of doing things, a ask for help or ask for what you need and M meet midway.
Speaker 2:So it's really about having a shared definition of what team is, because team is one of those subjective definitions. We all know what team is to us, but unless you're saying it out loud, unless you're talking about it with your partner, then it's just out there. It's not something you're actively pursuing. So when you and your partner both have a shared definition, then you know what you're working towards. So this is a one page reference guide. It's quick. It's not something people have to learn or read. You, literally, you can scan it and you can begin to shift. What is the mindset? Am I doing to guide my actions? Or what is my individual responsibility? And it's on my website, judygraebelcom.
Speaker 1:So good, you guys definitely go check this out, and what I'm seeing about I have it in front of me what I'm seeing about it too, judy, is that your partner doesn't have to be on board with this, like you could literally use this sheet just by yourself to create some shifts and changes in your relationship. Yes, I love that you said that.
Speaker 2:Thank, you Because you're right, that's exactly it, because that's one of the things we were saying, that we get stuck on. No, if you keep doing this, if you change your mindset and your individual responsibility is these things very specifically, these action steps will help build connection and they'll react differently over time, the dynamic of your relationship will change. It doesn't mean necessarily that your partner is going to change and become everything you ever dreamed of no, because your partner is an individual response person, but your dynamic with him or her will change.
Speaker 1:Such incredible valuable work that you're doing. I'm so grateful that our paths have crossed this has been such an awesome conversation, Carla.
Speaker 2:I loved having this conversation with you.
Speaker 2:And I also would like to say that this you had an episode with your husband like I wouldn't say a few weeks, maybe a month back, or something like that marriage and mindset. I'd love that episode because you and Quinn talked about a lot of these things you guys were all about. It was called marriage and mindset, so you're talking about mindset, but so many times in there you were talking about individual responsibility. So like I know that you're living this already, so I just I love that we were able to connect and have this conversation and I love the connection that you and I have as colleagues and friends and thank you very much for having me on today.
Speaker 1:You're so welcome and I'm so glad that you brought up that episode and I think I just want to leave listeners, too, with just encouragement that marriage can be amazing and it it can. You can be in a spot where it just feels like the thing only thing to do is to like leave or end the relationship. But if you're willing to push through and do this work like Judy's talking about, or work with a coach like Judy or myself, to unpack and get rid of those old things that are shading your experience, that it can really be extraordinary, it can be magical and fun and you can fall in love over and over and over again. I never believed that. I now know it's possible and we have these innate tools within us, like our mindset and our choices and our perspective, that can make all the difference. So dig in people, judy.
Speaker 1:Thank you so much for your time today and your wisdom and everybody. Have a beautiful day. We'll see you next week. Hey, thanks for tuning into this episode of differently. I hope it stirred your thinking and I invite you to take one inspired action from something that stood out to you. If you want to hear more conversations like this, be sure to hit follow on your favorite podcast app, and if this episode could impact someone you know, please help us spread the word and pass it along. Remember, new episodes drop weekly. See you next week.