3 Keys to a Healthy Marriage with Quinton and Carla

What is in the way of your marriage?

Today's episode is inspired by conversations I have all the time with my private coaching clients.  Marriage is a vital part of our lives and if it isn't working - it impacts everything. 

Quinton and I discuss the three barriers that we have navigated in our relationship and that we see come up again and again coaching private clients around relationships.

May this conversation give you some insight as to where you can invest in making your marriage healthier and more fulfilling beginning today.

Enjoy!

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Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:01

Today's episode is near and dear to my heart. Well, first of all, I'm having a conversation today with my constant, my person, my husband, Quentin. If you haven't heard him on before, he's been on two episodes. One, number 64, Leadership and Love. And all the way back to number six, it's called The Love of My Life. And I encourage you to go back and listen to both of those. And secondly, today we're talking about a conversation I feel is so vital and important, the topic of marriage. I find myself in conversations with my private coaching clients about marriage and relationships all the time. Because let's face it, it's a huge, vital part of our lives. And when they aren't working, it impacts everything. You might feel like your spouse or others need to change in order for your relationship to be better. But what I've witnessed thousands of times is that when we're willing to show up, or when you're willing to show up to your relationship differently, the other person has to change their footing in that relationship dance. And this is where incredible, wonderful things happen. We've been married for just over 20 years. We've been through lots of ups and downs, but we have intentionally gone about this differently from the start because we both had experienced relationships in our life where we felt powerless and unfulfilled. We work really hard at growing and moving our marriage and our life forward. It's by no means a perfect, but a practice. And when you put in the work on the daily, you keep that foundation of your relationship alive and thriving. And I'm telling you that contrary to what our mind and our world thinks, if you're willing to do this, it will, your marriage will grow and get better and richer and more fun over time. Today we talk about three barriers that we have navigated in our relationship and that we see again and again coaching private clients around relationships. We hope that this conversation gives you some insight as to where you can invest in making your marriage healthier and more fulfilling starting today. I'm a hyperachiever turned to life for and after a decade of coaching and fixed leaders, I'm convinced we are far closer than we realize what we have every out of the box five. Hey Quentin, welcome back to different life. Um I'm excited to have you um join me in the conversation today. And for everybody listening, like we had been talking about, well, we're always talking about our marriage and relationships. And um, we've just helped a lot of clients through the years when it comes to navigating marriage and navigating relationships too. And we wanted to just bring this conversation of like what are some of the obstacles to having a healthy marriage? And for people listening who may not be married, these can probably be applied to in lots of ways to different relationships in your life. So I'm excited to have you, Quentin, because you just you always have such incredible wisdom when it comes to relationships. And I love your wisdom because it always is straight and to the point, and like it just really, really resonates. And so let's just kind of dive into those three obstacles that you and I have kind of been thinking about. And the first one was really this idea of having these unrealistic expectations when it comes to marriage. So I'm gonna let you just kind of riff on that.

SPEAKER_01 4:29

Well, thanks for your intro. Uh it's been a long journey, isn't it?

SPEAKER_00 4:36

Yeah. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 4:38

Um I think everybody deals with well, not only expectations, but unrealistic expectations. You know, you think marriage is going to be a fairy tale. That's one of the major expectations that I think people need to uh come to recognize. Um but just expectations of our of our spouse, really, of what they're there for. I think that's the biggest one. People think that their spouse is there to provide something for them. And they're really not. They're there to provide for their spouse. People have it backwards. And so that expectation, I think, just sets people up for disappointment all around.

SPEAKER_00 5:26

Yeah, I remember, I think, in one of the books that we've had over the years, I think it said something like, What if your marriage isn't designed to make you happy, but it's designed to make you holy? And that just like really stunned me.

SPEAKER_01 5:44

Yeah, well, I view that in two ways. You know, I've always said like I view it as holy, like holy H-O-L-Y, like godly, but also holy, like whole and complete, you know. Um, because you are two halves to one whole. And so there's a double meaning in that.

SPEAKER_00 6:07

So from your perspective, like people that find themselves kind of grappling with this, of like having an idea of how things should look, or getting stuck in this, you know, comparison that it should be better than it is, or it should look like somebody else's relationship, or you know, the grass is greener over there. And like, what would your how would you have a conversation with someone who's grappling with that?

SPEAKER_01 6:39

Well, I think, you know, like we've always said, it's like the way you think about things is creates, you know, your experience of it. And so I think for most people we have been sold kind of a lie through Hollywood and fairy tale movies and Instagram and uh, you know, even even our friends sometimes you can get caught up and think that they just have the the best marriage because they um they have the nice house, they have the nice car, and they put on a smiley face every time you see them, but that doesn't necessarily mean that their marriage insight is great. And and how many times have you met people and you're like, oh, you guys are getting a divorce? Oh, I thought you guys were all good. And you're like, oh no, it's been good for years. Nobody knows, you know. And so um I I think it you know, it's really about kind of like being team, doing what works. You really have to work with one another to make sure that it works for both people. And you and you then you have to communicate. So uh which I know what's one of the barriers we've talked about is messy communication. So if you're if you if you don't know how to communicate, um you know it can be a big struggle.

SPEAKER_00 8:06

So come back for a minute to this idea of comparing, right? Because if we're if we're constantly comparing to this expectation of what we think the relationship or marriage should look like, we're gonna constantly be disappointed by what we have, right?

SPEAKER_01 8:25

Completely, always. They'll your spouse will never show up the way you want.

SPEAKER_00 8:30

And so you and I have talked about this idea of like stripping the fairy tale, and I think we had to do that in our own marriage, was to like really go back and look at this fairy tale that we thought marriage was gonna be, and then look at what we actually really have and kind of come to grips with that that fairy tale isn't really realistic or even what we really wanted anyway.

SPEAKER_01 8:56

True, true. But we've been able to work through like what what we each are looking for. I mean, it takes time and practice to do that. I mean, that's why you uh I mean, I don't know, you just can't ever give up, but it's just you you just have to keep striving all the time, learning.

SPEAKER_00 9:22

Yeah. So maybe a takeaway on this obstacle is really like instead of living into these unrealistic expectations that maybe you and your spouse don't even know are there, is to like come together and have an honest conversation about maybe what you once thought it was gonna be, but then more importantly, about like what is it we really want to create together and how can we both start to move in that direction?

SPEAKER_01 9:51

Yeah, and the other thing is is sometimes people don't even know what their expectations are because they don't even know that they it's like so built in almost that they're not even aware that they are putting an expectation on their sp their spouse. To them, it's just their spouse is just doing it wrong. There's no other. Yeah. Right. But I mean it's it is you you don't realize how many expectations you put on them to put the dishes away the way you want them to, to fold the clothes you want them to, to mow the yard the way you think they should, to, you know, feed the dog the way you feed the dog, whatever it is. You know, we have expectations just all over the place. And we're constantly judging our spouse whether they're living up to that expectation. So uh, you know, having a conversation about what your expectations are, and can you, you know, sometimes if you communicate that expectation, your spouse may change and do something different, or you know, didn't realize that it was that important to you. If it is, then I can change. But is it really that important that I feed the dog the way you want me to feed the dog? Like, is that really what you know, some of those things that get can just get so blown up and and rip rip people apart? They're so that are so simple.

SPEAKER_00 11:17

Yeah, so true. Well, and sometimes those expectations, like I know for myself, they have kept me from actually just understanding and appreciating and deeply knowing who you are, right? Because if I'm always comparing you to these expectations I have, then you fall short to that. But when I let go of my expectations and like really lean into just like appreciating the way you might do something, even though it's different from how I would do it. And like that, I know for me that's that's helped me leaps and bounds in our relationship to get closer and to make peace with things and to actually get to know you and let you be exactly you.

SPEAKER_01 12:06

Yeah, because then you get to actually love me. Because what's happening beforehand, people are loving the ideal you. They're not actually loving you. Right? The ideal is you do everything the way I think you should. Uh but if you actually are just gonna love them for who they are, then you love them for who they are.

SPEAKER_00 12:33

That's I feel like that's the real barrier, right?

SPEAKER_01 12:37

Yeah, yeah, it is.

SPEAKER_00 12:39

Is the expectations are a barrier to just really uh loving each other more deeply. Okay, let's go on to the next one. So you kind of touched on it, but the next obstacle you and I talked about was like this idea of just messy communication that is this other obstacle to healthy marriage.

SPEAKER_01 13:00

Yeah, I I was gonna share something I heard the other day, and um husband and wife were talking, and they were talking about communication, and and the wife said, I used to think communication was conflict. I thought that was so interesting, you know, because I think a lot of us think that, right? That communicating with one another, having a debate or a dialogue is us being in conflict with one another. And so she was sharing, um, you know, so she avoided almost all communication because it's like she in her world of growing up, like communication was conflict, probably, you know, in her household. You know what I'm saying? So now when she's trying to communicate communicate with her husband, she's just trying to avoid that. So she avoids all communication because she thinks it's conflict. Just thought that was very insightful, you know, that uh the way we view communication has has a huge impact on the way we do it, the way we address it or don't address it.

SPEAKER_00 14:12

Yeah, and really identifying what that even is for you, because that could get in the way over and over and over and over again. Because what I see in you know, working with clients is that oftentimes we're behaving today as if we were, you know, five or seven or ten in the environment we grew up in. And so, like you're saying, communication maybe felt dangerous at that time or unsafe or um like conflict, but today you're in a completely different environment and you're in a marriage that you want to create is really healthy and have a lot of vitality, but you may be behaving as if you were surviving that environment um of conflict. So important.

SPEAKER_01 14:58

So important. And so I think I I think people, you know, I'm not quite sure where sometimes people should start, but it it starts with small conversations, like we've talked about, like sweeping. You have to start with the small, untriggering conversation. You can't just leap into, you know, huge conversations, uh important conversations, but uh to develop your communication style with one another.

SPEAKER_00 15:30

Yeah, and I think even just talking, right? Like if you if you think about relationships, and I had been through divorce before you and I got married, but what I realized was that you know, when you first start dating, is you're you talk about every little thing and every little detail, and you just want to share everything. And then there comes a point in the relationship where you start to stop that, you start to stop sharing everything. And as you do that, you also close down intimacy. And so as you stop talking, then all of a sudden you stop kissing, and then that just escalates and escalates. And so I love what you're saying is just keeping that door, like opening that door again to sharing things, even the little things, and starting starting there with the little conversations, right? Then we build muscle and sort of safety to have those conversations.

SPEAKER_01 16:26

Yeah, and habits, good habits.

SPEAKER_00 16:30

Yeah, and good habits. When you say good habits, like what does that mean to you around communication? What are good habits?

SPEAKER_01 16:40

Well, it's for me, it's uh sweeping the dirt away that that's in in between us that that gets in the way of our connection. So any upsets, like dealing with any of those little upsets or those little unfulfilled expectations that uh are there right now so that you can get them clean, feeding the dog, mowing the yard, whatever they are. And because those little things turn into big mounds that are hard to move later on. And so if you can communicate about those the instant they happen and they wash away, then when you get to bigger things, you can just chip away at the bigger things to where there's uh you know, free-flowing electricity between you, you know, intimacy and passion.

SPEAKER_00 17:28

Yes. And you guys, for people listening, um, you know, this can look like sometimes, you know, Quentin could just say something or look at me a certain way, and I can, you know, start to feel upset. And so sweeping looks like in those moments to say, hey, this just happened, or you just said this, and it made me feel like this. Is that what you intended? And you know, 90% of the time he's like, no, not nothing of the sort. But that sweeping is just addressing it, nipping it right in the bud. Or if, you know, he said he was gonna mow the lawn and he hasn't done it, and I'm kind of wondering, like, when is that gonna happen? Instead of just festering in that and feeling disappointed about that, it's bringing it up and saying, hey, you know, you mentioned you were gonna do this. When when when is that happening? Actually, I'm not sure how that goes, but what would you say about that?

SPEAKER_01 18:29

No, I I just got triggered. That's what I would say about that. We gotta clean that up.

SPEAKER_00 18:36

How am I supposed to ask about you have to be able to laugh, that's the key. That's awesome. Yeah, so sweeping the little things. And the other thing that came up to me around messy communication was you shared another story with me about a couple that was like making assumptions, right, about how they liked their pork chops. Tell that story.

SPEAKER_01 19:01

Oh, yeah. Well, I saw this, it was a TikTok of his grandma, and she's talking about this recipe that she made for 30, 40 years and with these pork chops and smother smothered them in these this, you know, cream of mushroom soup gravy or whatever, and eating to her husband. And he tells her, you know, I really like the pork chops better fried. And she said, Well, why didn't you tell me this? And I thought you liked them this way. And he said, Well, no, I I thought you liked it this way. She said, No, I like them fried. They both liked it fried, but she's been making them this way for 50 years. Um, nobody wanted to say, you know, just I'm gonna eat it because you like it. And what you do for each other, you know, you kind of it was a sweet story in in in the sense that they were both trying to please each other, but at the same time, they were both afraid to speak up and say what was so. You know, so there there was a missed opportunity to just be straight.

SPEAKER_00 20:03

Oh, and how how many times have we bumped up against that? Like, we're so guilty of trying to please each other and how annoying that can get, and how it it makes you show up inauthentically um at times, and then that can get messy. And so, really just looking at your communication to say, like, are you saying what's true? Are you saying what's so? Are you are you pleasing? Are you covering things up and then later feeling resentful because you didn't you know share what was true? Yeah. Anything else on that one before we move on?

SPEAKER_01 20:38

I don't think so.

SPEAKER_00 20:40

Okay. So the last one that we talked about was just this obstacle of waiting for the other person to create the magical life you want. So let's speak to that.

SPEAKER_01 20:56

Yeah, I think it goes back to the unrealistic expectations. It it goes back to thinking that your spouse is gonna provide you this fairy tale life. That they're the ones giving it to you. You know, you're you're gonna marry the prince or the princess, and um and I think that's that's just a missed opportunity. Um because you're always looking through the lens of what I'm getting or not getting.

SPEAKER_00 21:41

Completely. Instead of like, who am I being and what am I giving? What am I bringing to the relationship? Because I think this obstacle is the obstacle of like blaming, sort of waiting and hoping and wishing and then being disappointed.

SPEAKER_01 22:00

Yeah, instead of taking responsibility for yourself and creating the life that you want, if you want to, if you like romance, then you need to create the you need to create the romance. And yeah, it'd be nice, you know, people say, Well, I always want them to get me gifts. And how can they never give me gifts? How can they never take me out? Well, take them out. And it and you you can create it yourself and ha and people discount it and say, Well, if I take them out, it's not the same. Well, it may not, but you get to live the life you want. And it's almost like accepting them for who they are. And it you never know. They they might just follow your lead.

SPEAKER_00 22:42

Yeah, and I mean I guess it's a choice, right? You get to live the life you want, or you can be a victim and kind of sit back and blame and excuse and be frustrated. Like you get to choose.

SPEAKER_01 22:53

Chocolate juice.

SPEAKER_00 22:54

Yeah. Yeah. So it's like, you know, if you feel like um, you know, like you said, there's not enough romance, or there's not enough spontaneity, or you just wish they'd be this way. I I know for myself that wishing someone to be a certain way in a relationship, whether it's a marriage or a friendship, like you sometimes miss who they are and what they bring to the relationship if you're constantly focused on what they're not bringing or not doing. And for me, it's always an indicator of like, all right, get back on your own mat. Like keep your, you know, you've got your eyes over on somebody else's mat, like in yoga terminology, and like bring it back to your mat. And what do you want? And how are what are you doing to create that? And who are you being to generate that in your marriage?

SPEAKER_01 23:48

Yeah. Perfect. I was I was trying to think of what we heard the other day. It was you're justified in your feelings, but you're you're not entitled to your victimness or your victim status.

SPEAKER_00 24:03

That's right, because usually we're we have that same, you know, that same that quality we're judging them for having or not having. Like we have that too. And so you gotta come back to yourself and take the log out of your eye before you can, you know, judge the other person. And you can make somebody in your life an excuse for not having the life you want, or you can grab the reins and do what you can do within your ability to um make more of it.

unknown 24:35

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 24:39

All right. How do you want to wrap this up? People are thinking about, you know, just the obstacles and opportunities to a healthy marriage.

SPEAKER_01 24:51

Well, I think it's easier than people think. I think we just make it so much difficult. That it's more difficult than it needs to be. It seems bigger than it is most of the time. And in reality, it's all it takes is a little bit of humbleness, sacrifice, a little self-discipline. And you can create something magical and wonderful together. Um give up your own righteousness and you can create wonders.

SPEAKER_00 25:35

Yeah, and like you said, you can start so small. And this is it's a it's a marathon, it's not a sprint. I mean, if we look at our marriage, we've been working on our marriage for 21 years, and constantly, every day, every day we do the work, and it's a lot of work, but it the work is gives us the marriage we have today. And it's it's like nothing I ever thought possible. So that idea of like, you know, the fairy tale, the reality of creating a marriage every day and taking ownership and getting on the court and practicing and falling down again and again and again, but standing up again for what it is you want together and just working together to build that um is is the greatest joy of our life today. So take something you heard today and apply it right into your marriage, your relationships. And thank you so much, Quentin, for joining me today and just diving into this. I think there's yeah, there's more we can do on this. I don't even want to say that. Um always.

SPEAKER_01 26:51

There's always more to talk about. Everybody knows.

SPEAKER_00 26:53

There's always more. Relationships are so vital in our life. So thank you so much for being here. And to everyone, I will see you next week. Thank you for tuning in to this episode of Different Way. I hope it stirred you. Thank you by more comments like this, hit follow on your Facebook.